ROC final
A final analysis of growth:
When I first entered into this course I was intrigued, but more so, my intention was to get a required course out of the way. I felt that while I may not know everything there is to know about racial differences, I was accepting of all people and therefore this class was just a step that needed to be taken in order to achieve my goal of becoming an educator. I had heard many positives about why a student should take “Rethinking our Classroom,” but very little specifics of what the class entailed so I didn’t really know what I was getting into. I had very little expectation. Then, a few days before we started I received my first assignment. I was given a list of questions, told to interview myself, and record my answers on a tape or CD. As I read through the first few questions an uneasy feeling settled in my stomach. Needless to say, today I am shocked by some of the things that I said on my CD. Did those words really come out of my mouth?
As I listened to my tape the first time a few weeks ago I noticed that I had very little to say and many times had a difficulty coming up with anything to say. Looking at the length of the CD I realized that including reading the questions out loud, long pauses of thinking, and many “ums” the time I spent talking added up to less than fifteen minutes. In addition to that many times I also said, “I don’t know,” or worse “it doesn’t matter in my experience”. I also said, “I’ve never thought about this.” I’m shocked that I also hear in my voice apathy, annoyance, and a discomfort for having to do this at all. For example, to the question “What does being white mean for you and why?” I simply say that it doesn’t mean anything to me. I try to go deeper and admit that there is such a thing as white privilege but immediately recoil and say, “But I don’t go around thinking I’m white, so it doesn’t mean anything.” I also can hear a bit of anger. At one point in the tape I say something like, “I don’t think my answers are what you want, and I know what you’re trying to get at, but...” Though I say this in a very casual way on the tape I can tell that I was really saying, “I know what you want, and I am not willing to go there so back off.” Lastly, I hear a bit of arrogance, I brag about my racially diverse family a lot and use them as an excuse to not discuss my own race and continue to refer to them in order to avoid questions all together. In an essence I didn’t really answer many of the questions at all. Again, I am flabbergasted that a mere few months ago this is what I was thinking and feeling.
I was thoroughly shocked that I use my brother and other racially different family members as barriers to avoid some questions all together. When asked about any overt messages my family sent to me about race I state that I was taught not to see race. I think that when I recorded this I must have been trying to be what I assumed to be “politically correct” and what others wanted to hear. That or I can’t believe how naïve I was at the time. I was really stunned that I was, at least as far as this tape is concerned, someone who used to wave the “colorblindness” flag. How is that one the same tape that I discuss some intimate feelings about my racially mixed brother do I also completely deny that race exist? Also in answering this question I claim that I had “friends of all different races” growing up. What?!? The truth is that I had a few black friends. That’s it, and in reality I with the exception of 7th-8th grade this isn’t even true. How did I trick my mind into thinking that I was so superior and grand?
As we have discussed in class many people are fired-up about racially equality but don’t often recognize that sexism still exist and is something that needs to be addressed. In my tape, I was surprised that I too didn’t give a lot of merit to the many occurrences of sexism that I have experienced in my young life. I simply gloss over them and state that yeah, I’ve experienced off-hand comments and things, but it doesn’t affect me. I am so thankful that this class has taught me to look more deeply at this overt system of oppression.
One thing that I do say that I was proud to hear was the admittance of privilege as far as my race and language proficiency is concerned. I didn’t discuss these items deeply, but I do admit that I have benefitted from white privilege. I also sound truly shocked that language proficiency was included in the list of items that we needed to discuss. “Wow, I have never given this much thought. I’ve discussed this before in Foundations of Ed, but for some reason to see it listed here with race and gender and all these others is really different.”
Depending on the day, or maybe even on the hour in the day I have experienced being in the different stages of white identity that Howard lays out for us. For the most part it seems like that I was in the Contact and Disintegration stage (Howard, 2006, p. 92-93). Though on some level I knew that I wasn’t “just human” and that on a deeper level being white meant something I had a difficult time admitting it. At other points in my self-interview I begin to question my beliefs around race and what that means, but didn’t have many answers or really dig in at all. I feel that I spent and still spend a lot of time in the Disintegration stage. For the most part of this class I have been questioning what my race, gender, and a multitude of other things meant and more importantly, where that stands with my morals and how I feel about civil and human rights. Currently I feel that I am on the edge and maybe even in the beginning stages of the Immersion/Emersion stage. As Howard states, “we seek more authentic and proactive ways of being White” (Howard, 2006, p. 97) I feel that equipped with all the knowledge I have gained in this course as well as a list of allies that have also experienced this growth. I’m am seeking many positive ways to recognize and own my white identity so that I can be an ally for others and eventually be a better proactive and inclusive educator, an expectation that wasn’t even on my radar at the beginning of this journey.
Howard, Gary R. (2006). We can’t teach what we don’t know: white teachers, multiracial schools. New York: Teachers College
When I first entered into this course I was intrigued, but more so, my intention was to get a required course out of the way. I felt that while I may not know everything there is to know about racial differences, I was accepting of all people and therefore this class was just a step that needed to be taken in order to achieve my goal of becoming an educator. I had heard many positives about why a student should take “Rethinking our Classroom,” but very little specifics of what the class entailed so I didn’t really know what I was getting into. I had very little expectation. Then, a few days before we started I received my first assignment. I was given a list of questions, told to interview myself, and record my answers on a tape or CD. As I read through the first few questions an uneasy feeling settled in my stomach. Needless to say, today I am shocked by some of the things that I said on my CD. Did those words really come out of my mouth?
As I listened to my tape the first time a few weeks ago I noticed that I had very little to say and many times had a difficulty coming up with anything to say. Looking at the length of the CD I realized that including reading the questions out loud, long pauses of thinking, and many “ums” the time I spent talking added up to less than fifteen minutes. In addition to that many times I also said, “I don’t know,” or worse “it doesn’t matter in my experience”. I also said, “I’ve never thought about this.” I’m shocked that I also hear in my voice apathy, annoyance, and a discomfort for having to do this at all. For example, to the question “What does being white mean for you and why?” I simply say that it doesn’t mean anything to me. I try to go deeper and admit that there is such a thing as white privilege but immediately recoil and say, “But I don’t go around thinking I’m white, so it doesn’t mean anything.” I also can hear a bit of anger. At one point in the tape I say something like, “I don’t think my answers are what you want, and I know what you’re trying to get at, but...” Though I say this in a very casual way on the tape I can tell that I was really saying, “I know what you want, and I am not willing to go there so back off.” Lastly, I hear a bit of arrogance, I brag about my racially diverse family a lot and use them as an excuse to not discuss my own race and continue to refer to them in order to avoid questions all together. In an essence I didn’t really answer many of the questions at all. Again, I am flabbergasted that a mere few months ago this is what I was thinking and feeling.
I was thoroughly shocked that I use my brother and other racially different family members as barriers to avoid some questions all together. When asked about any overt messages my family sent to me about race I state that I was taught not to see race. I think that when I recorded this I must have been trying to be what I assumed to be “politically correct” and what others wanted to hear. That or I can’t believe how naïve I was at the time. I was really stunned that I was, at least as far as this tape is concerned, someone who used to wave the “colorblindness” flag. How is that one the same tape that I discuss some intimate feelings about my racially mixed brother do I also completely deny that race exist? Also in answering this question I claim that I had “friends of all different races” growing up. What?!? The truth is that I had a few black friends. That’s it, and in reality I with the exception of 7th-8th grade this isn’t even true. How did I trick my mind into thinking that I was so superior and grand?
As we have discussed in class many people are fired-up about racially equality but don’t often recognize that sexism still exist and is something that needs to be addressed. In my tape, I was surprised that I too didn’t give a lot of merit to the many occurrences of sexism that I have experienced in my young life. I simply gloss over them and state that yeah, I’ve experienced off-hand comments and things, but it doesn’t affect me. I am so thankful that this class has taught me to look more deeply at this overt system of oppression.
One thing that I do say that I was proud to hear was the admittance of privilege as far as my race and language proficiency is concerned. I didn’t discuss these items deeply, but I do admit that I have benefitted from white privilege. I also sound truly shocked that language proficiency was included in the list of items that we needed to discuss. “Wow, I have never given this much thought. I’ve discussed this before in Foundations of Ed, but for some reason to see it listed here with race and gender and all these others is really different.”
Depending on the day, or maybe even on the hour in the day I have experienced being in the different stages of white identity that Howard lays out for us. For the most part it seems like that I was in the Contact and Disintegration stage (Howard, 2006, p. 92-93). Though on some level I knew that I wasn’t “just human” and that on a deeper level being white meant something I had a difficult time admitting it. At other points in my self-interview I begin to question my beliefs around race and what that means, but didn’t have many answers or really dig in at all. I feel that I spent and still spend a lot of time in the Disintegration stage. For the most part of this class I have been questioning what my race, gender, and a multitude of other things meant and more importantly, where that stands with my morals and how I feel about civil and human rights. Currently I feel that I am on the edge and maybe even in the beginning stages of the Immersion/Emersion stage. As Howard states, “we seek more authentic and proactive ways of being White” (Howard, 2006, p. 97) I feel that equipped with all the knowledge I have gained in this course as well as a list of allies that have also experienced this growth. I’m am seeking many positive ways to recognize and own my white identity so that I can be an ally for others and eventually be a better proactive and inclusive educator, an expectation that wasn’t even on my radar at the beginning of this journey.
Howard, Gary R. (2006). We can’t teach what we don’t know: white teachers, multiracial schools. New York: Teachers College