In Need of Validation... yet again.
Sometimes, like now, I feel like the expendable friend, family member, person. I am the one that is too nice to argue or confront you so it is okay to disappoint me. I'm the one whose feelings don't matter.
On my Boyle side of my family I'm the one who never hears the family news unless I seek it. I rarely hear from my father unless I call (and I'll admit my calls usually address money needs and aren't intended for any other purpose) or something has happened that I need to be told of. I feel that I am the family member who doesn't really matter because "we rarely see or hear from her." I feel like the outsider. If it surprises you to know that this is how I feel now, then you wouldn't be able to stand knowing how I felt when I was "just a kid." Why is it that for so long we lived within 10-40 miles from each other but only ever got together for major holidays? I contemplate whether or not this question will follow me for the rest of my life.
It's not chance that this brings me to my current dilemma...
I've often felt like the expendable friend amongst peers. Most recently because of all my housing drama. I don't want this to be confrontational or dramatic and I don't want to seem like a bitch so I've created the illusion that I am dealing with it or that I was always okay. I am never sure I'll be brave enough to say this to your face.
Let me say it here--- THIS FUCKING SUCKS AND IT HURTS. You were afraid that it would make others angry.
Why is it no one is ever in fear of my anger or feelings? I'm heartbroken. Why do I always feel that I put so much into relationships but am given little back? Isn't the rule of life that the more you give the more you receive?
I guess no one is completely to blame for this shitty circumstance, but I feel that had the roles been reversed, I would have fought harder for the group. It is understandable to like someone more that you like others--- hell, it is natural. I just thought that had it come down to it, you would have fought for 4 instead of just choosing 1. I would have. Maybe that is the difference between someone who needs friends and someone who friends need. It hurts more when you brag to others about how good you have it esp. in front of me. Do I have skewed ideas of our level of friendship? Am I oblivious?
I'm not sure I am mature enough to even handle all the mixed emotions I have right now--- despite that, in the grand scheme of things, this isn't even a "big deal." Or again, am I just trying to play it off as not a "big deal" in order to push my feelings aside? Now that I'm contemplating, Do I often push my feelings aside for others? It is possible that one can be too accommodating, too nice, too caring?
I think I need a break from all of you--- how ironic that I feel that I "need a break" when we've all just reconnected after months apart.
In my mind I'm still trying to point the finger at me. I tell myself that I'm just being over dramatic, an emotional nutcase, etc--- Maybe that's true, but I also need to just let myself be angry and hurt.
On my Boyle side of my family I'm the one who never hears the family news unless I seek it. I rarely hear from my father unless I call (and I'll admit my calls usually address money needs and aren't intended for any other purpose) or something has happened that I need to be told of. I feel that I am the family member who doesn't really matter because "we rarely see or hear from her." I feel like the outsider. If it surprises you to know that this is how I feel now, then you wouldn't be able to stand knowing how I felt when I was "just a kid." Why is it that for so long we lived within 10-40 miles from each other but only ever got together for major holidays? I contemplate whether or not this question will follow me for the rest of my life.
It's not chance that this brings me to my current dilemma...
I've often felt like the expendable friend amongst peers. Most recently because of all my housing drama. I don't want this to be confrontational or dramatic and I don't want to seem like a bitch so I've created the illusion that I am dealing with it or that I was always okay. I am never sure I'll be brave enough to say this to your face.
Let me say it here--- THIS FUCKING SUCKS AND IT HURTS. You were afraid that it would make others angry.
Why is it no one is ever in fear of my anger or feelings? I'm heartbroken. Why do I always feel that I put so much into relationships but am given little back? Isn't the rule of life that the more you give the more you receive?
I guess no one is completely to blame for this shitty circumstance, but I feel that had the roles been reversed, I would have fought harder for the group. It is understandable to like someone more that you like others--- hell, it is natural. I just thought that had it come down to it, you would have fought for 4 instead of just choosing 1. I would have. Maybe that is the difference between someone who needs friends and someone who friends need. It hurts more when you brag to others about how good you have it esp. in front of me. Do I have skewed ideas of our level of friendship? Am I oblivious?
I'm not sure I am mature enough to even handle all the mixed emotions I have right now--- despite that, in the grand scheme of things, this isn't even a "big deal." Or again, am I just trying to play it off as not a "big deal" in order to push my feelings aside? Now that I'm contemplating, Do I often push my feelings aside for others? It is possible that one can be too accommodating, too nice, too caring?
I think I need a break from all of you--- how ironic that I feel that I "need a break" when we've all just reconnected after months apart.
In my mind I'm still trying to point the finger at me. I tell myself that I'm just being over dramatic, an emotional nutcase, etc--- Maybe that's true, but I also need to just let myself be angry and hurt.